I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
These tits shall not be calmed
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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