I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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