I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize