He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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