Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
