I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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