I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
