In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
