i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
