Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
