It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i dont even know how to be here
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
