I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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