I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
