My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
