I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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