Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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