sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Randomize
