ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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