I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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