One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
im holly from the hills drunk
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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