I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
