I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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