i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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