I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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