What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
