We won't sleep together?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
