Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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