So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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