It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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