The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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