i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
