My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
