I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
