Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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