so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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