he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
