got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
