My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
