life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i out mim tonsoeep
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