he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
