So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
