Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
