My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
