i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
