I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Randomize
