Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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