he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
