That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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