Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
