Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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