Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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