I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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