Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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