drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
