Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
