it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
