yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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