he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
