Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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