First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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