We won't sleep together?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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