So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
