I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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