so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
