I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
