I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
